I Am Not Enough

If you read my last blog it will come as no surprise that I like to occasionally escape from reality. Sometimes I might just read for an extra hour or two and other times, I stay up late into the night watching television/reading/snacking. (Not the healthiest of choices but hey, I have made worse ones.)

I do this for different reasons at different times and it’s a habit that has peaked in recent weeks. I wasn’t sure why until earlier this week, and I’ve decided to take the plunge and share with you:

I am afraid of becoming “no one” again. 

This is a very real and huge fear for me, one that I denied even existed. I tried to reason it away and even ignored it in the hopes it would just disappear. Unfortunately, the exact opposite happened: it grew and led to other feelings of shame, loneliness, isolation, and unworthiness. It became a powerful force that was negatively impacting my health–body, mind, and spirit.

With the passage of time, endless hours spent trying to figure it, and an eventual surrender followed by prayer and meditation, I was given clarity and could trace the fear back to its original source: back to when I was a very little girl.

You see, I grew up in a large family, the fourth youngest of twelve children (four boys and eight girls). My parents did an amazing job raising us and kept things afloat as best they could. We always had enough of everything but there was rarely any excess, whether money, food, and especially time. Individual attention and encouragement were a luxury I didn’t often experience, so I simply adopted the family rules and worked hard to “become” someone, to be enough. (I missed the whole “being someone is your birth right” lesson.) I was quiet and shy, hard-working and cooperative. I spent my whole life striving to become someone, to be enough. I worked tirelessly towards this goal as a daughter, student, mother, wife, employee, community volunteer, etc., etc.

I thought I was doing okay until I wasn’t.

A Bottomless Bucket

In 2005, the bottom started to fall out of my proverbial bucket. In other words, my marriage ended, I started my recovery journey from alcoholism, I began to excel at workaholism, my teen-age daughter wanted to live with her father and I, without the security of  being labeled a “good wife and mother”, simply loaded my bags with shame and guilt and set out on the unfamiliar path forward.

Despite these setbacks, I kept it together and, fueled by anger and resentment, I continued to blaze the trail of “becoming enough”. I worked hard to climb the corporate ladder and was only a moderately passive-aggressive and bitter victim in the process.

In 2010, I hit my ultimate bottom and landed in the local psychiatric hospital where I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress and major depressive disorders. I felt weak and vulnerable as a newly divorced woman so you can imagine how much worse I felt as a psychiatric patient. My whole sense of self was blown to bits, and I had no idea who I was or who I would become. I was petrified.

By this time, it was pretty safe to say that, not only was I missing the bottom out of my bucket but the whole dang thing was gone.

Breakdown to Breakthrough

I spent the next several years on a road of reconstruction. With the help of friends, family, professionals, and eventually my faith, I examined every piece of my “me” to see if it was a genuine part I wanted to keep or if it was something that never really suited me and could be tossed aside. It was a painful, grueling, scary, and often times discouraging process, but I was committed to it.

After more than three years of  work, I felt like I had discovered a more original and authentic version of me, the me I was created to be. I found my sense of self, with unique gifts and talents and a great passion which had ironically stemmed from my mental breakdown. Who would have imagined I would land solidly on my feet after being in a psychiatric hospital?

In the following years, I used my lived experience to share encouragement and hope with others who were dealing with mental illness or mental health problems. I spoke straight from my heart and reached directly into the hearts of hundreds of colleagues, friends, and strangers, who could identify with my story. I was traveling and speaking to groups with great passion and sincerity. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was being used by a gracious power, my God, to be of service to others. I rarely questioned it, and I was given great energy, creativity, and opportunity to make a difference. In the end, I simply had to focus on being well, saying yes, and trusting the process. I came to believe that I had actually been “enough” all along!

And then, I got a sore back.

One Slip and You’re Gone

In January of this year, I slipped on the ice and have been bothered with back pain ever since. Around this same time, I also started to experience feelings of depression including listlessness, general disinterest, isolation, fear of rejection, and many other not so nice feelings.  The confidence, passion, and inner knowing I experienced just a few weeks earlier seemed to vanish. I felt like I had nothing to offer and became convinced that if people knew how I was feeling and what I was thinking, they would drop me from their “cool friends and women who make a difference list” in a heart beat. The fear fed voraciously off the negative thoughts and opened up old wounds. Before long, I was operating from a different age and stage and was again convinced that I was not enough.

Shining the Light

Now I’ve taken you full circle back to today where I am gradually coming back to believe that “I am enough”. It seemed like a long road by times, but the difference today is that I have a reserve of experience, strength, hope, friends, and faith to tap into when darkness overcomes me. It may take a bit longer for me to recognize what’s happening than I’d like, but the time spent in darkness these days can be counted in days and weeks rather than months and years. This is amazing progress for which I am very grateful.

Recovery takes time but it does happen and more importantly, it always reminds me that “yes, of course you are enough”!

Love and blessings,

Patricia
Women in Recovery Everywhere

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Cousin Harry

I think it’s quite possible that Harry Houdini, the great American illusionist and escape artist, and I are closely related. You may not see many similarities in these photographs (Harry is on the left), but with a more in depth analysis, I think you may agree.

First, let’s look at one definition of “escapism:

“Escapism is the avoidance of unpleasant, boring, arduous, scary, or banal aspects of daily life. It can also be used as a term to define the actions people take to help relieve persisting feelings of depression or general sadness.”

I never met Harry as he was much older than me and died in 1926 at 52 years of age. His reputation did however precede him and, based on the many stories I’ve heard, I think it’s safe to conclude cousin Harry was definitely escaping to avoid something(s). Why else would he ask to be tied up in chains and handcuffs while trying to escape from underground and underwater? A cut and dry case of avoidance if you ask me!

Don’t get me wrong, I’d be more than happy to welcome Harry into the family if it’s proven he’s my cousin. After all, every family needs one member who does really wild and outlandish things and makes the rest of us look normal and well-adjusted. Yes, that a role Harry could fill.

Now that I’ve broken the ice with Harry’s antics, my personal favourite avoidance techniques which follow will seem like child’s play. (Come to think of it, some of them are!)

My most recent escape trick involves a 24-pack of newly and smoothly sharpened pencil crayons and a stress-relieving adult colouring book. Oh, just the thought of it makes my heart race (similar to how Harry felt I’m sure)! I can tell myself I’m going to sit for “just an hour” and, in what seems like only minutes later, I’m promising myself to go to bed before the clock strikes one AM……tomorrow night.

Research is another activity often found in my repertoire of escape tricks. Here’s how it works: I sit down at the computer to “look” for something. Even though I’m never sure exactly what “it” is, I convince myself I’ll recognize “it” when I find “it”. Two or three hours later, “it” continues to elude me, my eyes are starting to cross, and I can’t remember what I sat down to find.

With so much going on in the world, it’s very important to keep up on my reading. How else can I engage in those thought-provoking and awe-inspiring exchanges on social media? With so many options, it’s not easy to decide which books to read:  self-help, spiritual development, the shopaholic series, auto-biographies, biographies, bibliographies, to name a few. Surely, something so educational and harmless couldn’t be considered “escapism” could it? I wish I could ask Harry.

Digging into all these family secrets has me feeling a bit uncomfortable and vulnerable. I’m not sure I like it. I wonder if there are any potato chips and chocolate bars stashed away in the cupboard. After all, eating to deal with uncomfortable feelings is definitely not “escapism”; and no, I’m not asking Harry.

Check back in the next few weeks when I’ll be sharing some insights into the why of “escapism”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lost: One Inspiring Blog Post

 

It’s Saturday evening and I have no idea what to write about in this post. There’s been no flash of ingenuity or great inspiration, only a few b-list ideas:

1. What I Learned Today:  Two things–I love sharing my lived experience in recovering from mental illness to help fight stigma and raise awareness. Secondly, a sore back is no fun and has no absolutely no qualms about interfering with one’s plans for the evening. I think that is just plain rude!

2.  Goodness Exists in Everyone: We are all born intuitively knowing how to give and receive love, and then life happens. (I think this topic is more suited to a book than a blog post.)

3. A Deal is a Deal:  In a moment of great darkness and desperation in 2011, I promised the Universe that if I got better I would help others. The Universe held up its end of the bargain and had no intention of letting me off the hook (although I am pretty sure I could have successfully argued her decision on the grounds of mental incompetence.)  Being a woman of my word, I took the high road and followed through on my end of the deal. (Fortunately, sharing my personal story to help others is my life passion.)

4. What I Want to Do When I Grow Up:  Seriously, I’ve managed to avoid fully growing up and answering this question for 54 years. You can be fairly certain I’m not going to stir up that hornet’s nest now.

5. Twelve Steps to Overcoming Writer’s Block:  If I could write this one I probably wouldn’t be in this dilemma (or I’d be serving time for plagiarism).

That’s it, I’m done. I don’t care if it’s only 311 words because that’s all I have right now. Anyway, it’s not like I’m going to get fired or you’re going to cancel your subscription now is it? (Okay that was false bravedery as I’d be disappointed to think you left me.)

Just Drop the Banana!

There is an old tale about monkeys and bananas that is often used in inspirational books and workshops. I came across it recently as I was reading “Full Catastrophe Living” by Jon Kabat-Zinn, and it goes something like this:

Hunters in India try to catch monkeys by using a box with an opening at the top which is just big enough for the monkey to slide its hand into. Inside the box is a banana. As the monkey grabs the banana, its hand becomes a fist. When the monkey tries to get its hand out, it discovers the opening is only big enough for the hand to slide in but too small for the fist to come out. The monkey then has to make a decision, either let go of the banana and be free or continue to tightly grasp the banana and get caught.  As the story goes, the monkey holds on to the banana and gets caught, each and every time.

We’d like to think we are smarter than the monkey. and of course we would let go of the banana and keep our freedom. But wait just a minute! How often do we hold on to old habits, behaviour patterns, thoughts, and beliefs, long after they have served their purpose and are even starting to work against us? I dare say we may have more in common with the monkey than we might like to admit.

I have spent a lot of years holding on to old and comfortable ways with every ounce of my determination and strength, almost as if my life still depended on them. This was no longer the case, and the reality was that while I was busy holding on, the more useful and life-giving opportunities were passing me by. (And of course, I wondered why I wasn’t moving forward on the highway of life.)

I’ve come to several “monkey decision moments” in my life, particularly over the last few years, where I had to decide: do I live a “comfortable safe life in captivity” or do I trust my instinct and live a life full of “new adventures and freedom”. With a lot of inside work, a strong support network, and some trial and error, I can say I have let go of many old ways of thinking and behaving because they no longer served me. For example:

I don’t let my mind, my feelings, or my little girl run my life.
I rarely rely on my old T&T pattern (tears and temper) to control (manipulate) people or situations.
I no longer listen to the old familiar lie, “You don’t have anything to offer so just leave it to those other smart women.”

These shifts have been hard-earned, and some days I do make a slight detour to visit my old ways because, like my favorite pair of denims that are worn and tattered, they are just so dang comfortable.

If  you want to let go of some of your old habits, here are a few simple tips: decide specifically what you want to let go of and talk it out with a friend or professional (e.g. I’m never going to get a good job!); decide what you will use to replace the old habit and write it down in your journal (eg. I will continue to work towards that good job, and it will be mine at just the right time); and continue to repeat and use this replacement thought until it becomes as comfortable and familiar as the old one.

Letting go of the banana may not be easy but it is quite simple and you will be amazed by the freedom it brings you!

Love and blessings friends

Patricia
Women in Recovery Everywhere