March 26, 2017
“I just bought you new clothes. They don’t fit you already? Well, you’ll just have to make do. Money doesn’t grow on trees.”
“Maybe you should stop eating so much. You’re doing this to yourself. It’s not like you don’t know better.”
“You should be ashamed of yourself, gaining all that weight back after you worked so hard to get to your goal weight.”
“You know people are going to be talking about you.”
“Don’t go too easy on yourself; you’ll just get lazy and fat.”
“Oh my gawd, just look in the mirror!”
“Who do you think you are? Walking around pretending you don’t know what you look like.”
“Pretty soon no one will love you. I’m not sure I’ll even love you.”
“What did you expect? Did you actually think you can be slim and fit? That’s for the popular girls.”
“You can’t keep trying and failing. People aren’t going to take you serious.”
“There, there, you’re better off this way. Stay in your comfort zone where life is predictable and you don’t have to wonder if you’re enough. You know you’re not.”
This is a small part of the conversation I overheard recently for the umpteenth time. I’m not sure who the two people were but there was a little girl around 11 or 12 years old and an older woman, maybe her mother, an older sister or an aunt. The conversation breaks my heart every time I hear it. The little girl just sits there, looking so sad, taking it all in, not saying a word. She doesn’t want to believe the words they are saying, yet they are older so they must be telling the truth. After all, adults don’t lie, especially to little girls they are supposed to love and care for.
For reasons I can’t explain and after decades of standing by and allowing these cruel conversations to repeatedly unfold, I have finally decided to put an end to them. I will no longer be saying such cruel and hurtful words to myself. You see, I am that little girl. She lives in me. I am also the older woman who is cutting her down with such cruelty, all in the name of “love”. There are lots of reasons why I’ve been doing but I swear I am done hating and punishing myself. I will forgive the parts of the older woman that need forgiving and I will love the parts of the little girl that have been deemed un-lovable for so long. I will clothe her, encourage and support her and most of all, I will love and accept her just as she is. I will be a role model of love, care and compassion, first for self and then for others. No one, and I mean no one, will speak to that quiet little girl, with the beautiful green eyes and shy smile, with words other than those of love and support. They’ll have to get through me first and that just ain’t gonna happen.
Life is teaching me how to give and receive love to self and others. I still have so much to learn but I do know that love has nothing to do with the number on a scale or the size of my jeans. I am pretty sure if we could measure the love in one’s heart (for self and others) and how we treat others, we may be heading in the right direction. I think I’ll go with that.
Love and blessings friends,
Women in Recovery Everywhere